chatwithketch

Dear all, thanks a lot for all your kind words to Mrs M as she deals with this great loss. Here’s the second installment of her story which was sent in last week:

Yesterday, was one of the toughest days yet. It’s a Wednesday. The Wednesday. For a while all Wednesdays will be received with dread. I kept replaying the events of that day.

My husband had slept with him in the hospital on Tuesday night because he had to give him blood. I took our daughter home so she could prepare for school the next day.

Wednesday.
At past 7am, I had dropped her off in school heading to the hospital. Got there 9:30am. Found him cranky. Brought his favorite toys to make him happy. He tried to calm down but you could see he was defiantly in pain. I wish I could take that pain away. His chest was still swelling. Worse than the previous day. We waited for a scan that took forever. I had to go give a shouting match before my baby was attended to. This was now noon. He tried to smile at me. There is this thing we do. I can’t describe in writing. We make funny noises moving our tummies. He would do it and wait for me to respond. He tried to do it twice. You could see the pain. He stopped. I had hope that my baby would get better.

As from 8:30pm, the story changed and my life was forever to change with it. His oxygen level had dropped. The amazing thing was the so called doctors had no clue. My husband was the one that found out. Imagine an engineer doing the job of a doctor. They got him an oxygen mask that was not working. My baby was struggling. In so much pain. I was helpless. Until the doctor decided it was time for the surgery. I carried him off his bed so he could receive the little comfort I could give. It helped. Mum is holding me. All will be well.

At past 9pm. My life took a nose dive. He was dying and there was nothing I could about it. He died in my arms. The arms that carried him when he came into this cruel world held him while he died.

The doctor ran like rats looking for people to help with CPR. Imagine that. A hospital as big as that. Unbelievable. They had to go to another department to get the machine to revive my boy. They struggled for over an hour.

My husband and I prayed all the prayers we know. We sang, we had faith, we believed. My husband was called out. I knew something was wrong. I saw the doctors coming out shaking their heads. No-one would tell me anything. I was scared. Very scared. My husband came back and told me he was declared dead. My baby? Dead? No. Not possible. He was in my arms an hour ago. I asked to see him. I had heard of mothers that held their dead babies and they came back to life. I wanted the same to happen to me. I wanted it so badly. I went into the room where he was. It was a mess. Needles and all sorts where on the bed. A pool of bloody liquid was on the bed. His nose was running. There was a little trace if blood in his right ear. His eyes were closed. My husband told me later he shut them. He looked so peaceful. He did not look dead. So I carried him. He was warm with a slight air of cool on his skin cause the AC was on. I wrapped my arms around him. Placed him on my chest. I spoke into his ear. I asked him to remember the pain I went through during his birth. I asked him to remember all the times we shared. I asked him to see the pain I was in now and come back. We sat there for a while and nothing happened. My husband said we should leave him there that God would visit him. We would be back in the morning he promised.

I put him down on his baby bed. Covered him up to his chest with the duvet so he won’t get cold. Promised him, gave him my word. I would be back tomorrow. I was lifeless. My baby was alive. Brought alive to this place and now he was there alone without me. I could not come to terms with it. I did not sleep all through the night. I could not wait to see him again.

Morning came and I kept asking my husband when we would go. He kept saying later. My baby needed me. He needed to eat and take a bath. He needed mummy. I needed him. I still need him. Everyday. I never saw him that day. My husband left to see him. My head told me he was going to bring back our boy. He never did. It’s not possible. Can’t be possible. My son, my king. The King can’t be gone. Is he really? Is he gone? Yesterday was one of the worse days. Maybe today will be better.

Last week, I received a call from a friend who told me about a lady who had lost her baby. She was distraught and he figured she needed some help to tide her over this period. Immediately, my mother side empathized but my doctor side started thinking clinically. I immediately thought of clinical psychologists I knew who could help with grief counseling. The one person I knew, I just could not locate his phone number! So I called up doctor friends for some other leads. Long story short, at some point, I figured that perhaps I should have a chat with her myself. The friend who had called me had actually hinted as much.

So, I called her. What do you begin to tell a mother who lost her baby 2 days before? Well, the phone call went thus:

Me: Hello, good afternoon. How are you doing?

She (Very low voice): I’m fine. Thank you.

Me: How are you holding up? I understand your baby was ill a few days back?

Then she says: Oh no! My baby is fine. He’s just sleeping.

Okay! That was it. I was definitely not going to do this over the phone. This mother was definitely in denial and a physical visit was definitely a better option than a phone call. Denial is usually the first stage of grieving and is very normal. Nobody wants to believe this terrible thing has happened. You want to hope and pray that it was all a bad dream!

So, I asked her if it was okay to come visit her.

She agreed and we scheduled an appointment for the next day, Saturday.

I got there and met her. Lovely lady with a beautiful family. The picture of the boy who died was so ‘beautiful’, you could not help but feel he was going to say something to you from the picture. So cute!

We started talking. I asked her to just talk to me about him. It was as beautiful as it was painful. I’m a mother of 3 children and I could only imagine what she was going through! I ended up holding her hands, listening with tears silently running down my face (I hoped she didn’t notice). I tried not to offer any of the meaningless platitudes we usually offer grieving people which do not help. This was really all about her and if she wanted to be angry with any and every one, she totally had a right to… for now.

After the first session and a couple of phone calls later, I encouraged her to put her thoughts down on paper. In writing about what she was experiencing, she just may be able to begin to ‘deal’ with her grief. And that’s what she did.

Below is the first installment of her story. If you’re going through the same thing or perhaps you have gone through this, please drop a line to encourage Mrs. M (not real name). Even if you haven’t gone through, feel free to drop a line of you would like to.

Here goes:

Today makes it one week my baby left me to be with the Lord. It’s still like a dream.

The strangest thing happened this morning. I was in the kitchen preparing my daughters lunch box when I heard his cry as clear as day. Twice. For a few seconds, I believed he was here with me. I quickly reminded myself that he was gone. Gone, so ‘very’ gone. Left me on the 20th of January 2016. Left me while I was still holding him in my arms. I will never forget the look in his eyes. The sound of his last cry. Like…begging me to help him. After that, he rolled his eyes and was gone. Just like that.

All I have now are his memories in my head. I see his face everywhere. I can hear him laughing. My baby. I feel so numb. I won’t get to watch him sleep, carry him when he cries, change his smelly diaper. Give him a bath and watch him get so fascinated by the running water. I won’t ever get to watch him learn how to crawl. He won’t ever sleep beside me ever again. I won’t feel his little fingers wrap around mine.

I have questions but no answers. I feel like giving God a hard shake, shake him so hard and ask Him why. But the Good book says you can’t question God. He knows best. He gives, He takes.

Painful does not begin to describe it.  No words can ever describe it. The pain, the emptiness, the ‘what IF’s’.

I walk around like a zombie thinking in my head this must be a very bad dream. I wake up every day realizing it’s not.

Could I have done something different? If my husband and I had taken a different decision, would he still be alive? Would it all have turned out differently? Maybe, maybe not.

The reality is, my 9-month old baby boy is gone. He left me. Just like that. I want to cry out. Shout out…but nothing much comes out. Only this hole in my heart…like a stab wound. The only difference is, the knife is still there digging deeper and deeper every day.

How do I forget every Wednesday? In my arms, I carried him when he was born. In my arms he died. Some days are better than others or worse. I don’t know how today will turn out.
Mrs M.

Q: Ma’am, what could be the cause of over-wet vagina before sex. During the period of having sex the vagina is already too watery.

A: Well, this certainly a case of different strokes for different folks! Some complain that they are dry and you complain that you are overly wet! Well, this should not be a bad thing as this is supposed to be sufficient lubrication to make sexual intercourse that much more enjoyable.

However, if your vaginal discharge is associated with a smell, an itch or pain, it could be that something is wrong. Please check this out with your doctor.

For related posts, please click on these links:

https://chatwithdrketch.com/2014/04/27/daily-health-tips-is-vaginal-discharge-normal/

https://chatwithdrketch.com/2015/04/13/daily-health-tip-does-vaginal-discharge-have-a-cleaning-function/

Daily Health Tips: Copious Vaginal Discharge

Have a goodnight y’all 😀

Q: Ma’am, is it right for a pregnant woman who has passed twelve weeks to continue with folic acid because when I went for antenatal visit, the doctor didn’t give me the folic acid? I thought, maybe, he forgot, so I continued in taking it. NB, I was past the twelve-week mark then.

A: World Health Organization recommends that pregnant women receive folic acid and iron tablets daily. Folic acid prevents neural tube defects which may occur during the first 28days of pregnancy. This is usually the period when quite a number of women do not even know they are pregnant. Thus, women who plan on getting pregnant should start on folic acid supplements at least 3 months before their planned date to safeguard against neural tube defects. If you haven’t started this earlier and realize you’re pregnant, start taking them as soon as possible.

So, ask your doctor why he didn’t give you this. Perhaps, he gave you some other supplements that contain folic acid. Please check this with him as soon as possible so that you don’t take too much of a good thing J

By the way, it’s also a great idea never to assume why your doctor does anything. ALWAYS ask him/her why they advise or do anything, if you’re not clear.

Have a great night, y’all 😀