Q: Good morning Doc. Please I need your advice or rather a solution to my problem I hardly get sexual feelings or urges and having sex with my spouse is more like rape. Please what do I do about it?

A: Thanks for writing in dear. I can understand your worry as indeed sex is a critical aspect of marriage. The way you feel needs to be dealt with, so that it doesn’t become a bigger problem, later on.

Usually low sex drive could be due to stress, depression or even the physical challenges that come with having had a baby or even going through menopause. I’ll start with the most obvious question: have you tried talking with your husband about this? Perhaps he rushes a little bit before you’re ready. In this case, maybe you can get him to slow down a bit and wait for you? Perhaps you could try setting the mood….get a romantic dinner ready for two and then dress the part. Play some music, light some candles and send your children to spend the night with your parents 😀 Take the time to bond emotionally and connect with your husband on that deep level. With the emotional connection, the sexual connection will follow and that’s because women connect emotionally first before they connect sexually. Encouraging your husband to spend a little more time on fore-play will also be helpful.

Planning date nights with hubby is also a great way to bond. We all get busy with stuff…work, house work, children etc and so it’s so easy to get to that point where your discussion with hubby revolves around:
• Rent is due next month
• Our baby is having a fever
• Your mum wants to come and visit
• I need to go to the market tomorrow etc
With all of that ‘exciting’ conversation as listed above going on, it becomes difficult to feel sexy or really in the mood to bond with hubby 🙂

By the way, if you’ve got a television in your bedroom, take it out. Make your bedroom a haven for you and hubby. Don’t bring work in there. Let that be a place where you and hubby can reconnect after a long day. Make sure your children sleep in their rooms. There’s no greater downer than trying to ‘chillax’ with hubby and having your baby’s cries ruin the mood.

So make a conscious effort to cut out the clutter and bond with hubby.

If these don’t help, try having a chat with your doctor/gynaecologist so he can counsel you and perhaps find out if there are other reasons like stress or depression responsible for this and treat accordingly.

I hope this helps 🙂